Vishwaroopam – an unpardonable offense-fest

Unlike many of you, blessed with the benevolence of various Indian government agencies, I have watched Kamal Haasan’s latest film, Vishwaroopam. How, at the end of such an offensive work of art, I am able to summon the courage to write this blogpost will remain unexplained. Allow me, oh dear reader, to guide you through the numerous shocking aspects of the movie and, before you go to bed tonight, please thank the heavens for living in a country run by sane and sensitive politicians.

(Spoilers ahead, the kinds that will give you nightmares)

1 Many years later, the one sound that will accompany every Vishwaroopam screening is that of wailing babies. Only a sinister mind will use so much ketchup and tomato sauce in a movie with a PG rating. Large pools of blood are not only offensive to impressionable young minds, they also insult parents who think they are capable of guidance.

If you are a parent or a child below 25, please stay away.

2 As a Tamil Brahmin, I ought to have walked out after the first ten minutes of the film, especially after the lead character asks a brahmin girl to taste a piece of chicken. First you take away our engineering and medical seats, then you make our girls eat chicken on screen. Dei. All this too much. We must rise as one, brandish our poonals and outrage.

If you are a self-respecting brahimin (irrespective of whether you are a vegetarian or non-vegetarian), please stay away.

3 This is a film that no Tamilian can watch without having an urge to reach for a sickle and chop up various parts of the screen. First you fool me by saying this is a Tamil film, then you get characters to talk in the most ridiculous accents. Tamil in an American accent. Check. Tamil in a Roadies-style auditioning accent. Check. Tamil in a thatthu-pitthu accent. Check. Tamil in an eeshifying accent. Check.

If you are a Tamilian with even a smidgeon of pride for your language (irrespective if whether you can read Dinamalar or not), please stay away.

4 As an Andrea Jeremiah fan, I was deeply offended that she appears for no more than forty three seconds. Or something like that. Seriously? She is in the damn poster, man. The official poster, for heaven’s sake. Why are you fooling people like me (who switches off the movie after Andrea Jeremiah is dismissed) with such tactics? This is a serious offense. And I am even more offended that nobody apart from me has taken offense to this.

5 Many African-Americans, who watched the movie with me, were deeply offended that one of their brothers were shown shaving his whole body with an electric razor. Yes, you read that right. He not only shaved the hair off his head, chest and hands but also went the full monty. Now this is taking stereotyping to a whole new level, Mr Haasan. As a fund-raiser for the annual hirsute-African-American summits, I am appalled.

6 Last of all, I think all citizens of New York city felt hurt by the fact that this movie – like eight thousand others this year – insisted on constantly showing the city’s skyline and the skyscrapers. Yes, we get it. That’s the first thing people see from the plane when they touch down at NYC. But seriously? Is that the shallow depths to which you want to sink? (Mixed metaphor, but I’m angry, da). Is that how, with one swoop of the camera, you wish to paint a whole city as little more than a concrete jungle that holds tall skyscrapers. On behalf of the Don’t-Judge-The-City-By-Its-Skyline Facebook group, I hereby declare I am deeply offended.

Mind it.